Our mind as a child; was unable to differentiate pain from pleasure. As adults we still have that subconscious pattern and still cannot discern as most people do; the line is blurred and we equate love with pain, and we repeat this pattern until we have had enough. One day it hits us very hard, that we carry this pattern and have for a long time and all of a sudden, we just say, “Enough!”
The realization that we can’t make people be better, we can’t make people love us the way we long to be loved, we can’t force or manipulate or use our bodies any longer to bring us what we ourselves have closed down, and put up a barrier to... love. WE don’t love ourselves, we allow ourselves to be treated badly and this is not a bad thing -nor have we failed, absolutely the opposite – we woke up. And in walking away, we let the other person know it is not going to continue. We needed the experience to shake us awake so that we could know, without a doubt that we DESERVE to be loved!
We all of a sudden say, no more… no more drama, no more victim mentality, no more manipulation, games or abuse, no more. We grab up our girdles, throw on our combat boots and dig in our heels and say “F#@k this!” Then it happens, we cry…. for days, for weeks, all day, all night, we cry for the life we never had; but held the illusion of- in so many faces over the years. We mourn, and this is where our healing really happens from the inside out. All healers really do, is offer you a reflection of your own true vibration, past the personas, past the illusions and delusions we all have, and try to hide behind for security when we feel weak.
Someone saw me, long ago and she helped me break free, and helped me through the process of remembering who I am and I will forever be grateful to my teacher and mentor Nancy, for all the work she does for women, and men. She is a survivor, she survived and shared her strength and her story and I saw women transform from broken, glimpses of themselves into the most amazing teachers, healers and loving, compassionate super strong women. Women I am honored to call my friends. All of us women now have manifested the true version, of the partner we always had in our minds eye of those we loved. That illusion, when held in the light of our own truth reflected back at us dissolved - and the dream we always held inside, became a reality. But we first had to let go.
My life path of victimhood had blinded my ability to see the truth that love does not have to hurt; it is amazing, all the time, not in cycles -nor with attached conditions. I don’t have to be at his beckoned call, or explain myself and neither does he. True love produces trust as there is not any reason to fear a loss, both are secure. My husband is a good man, and he is sexy, and sweet, fun, goofy, kind and nurturing, and yet -rocks out, plays video games, reads books, can stand up for himself but is never a bully, nor cruel, nor manipulative. Most of all he unconditionally loves our children, myself, our pets and everyone we know – and best of all he is not afraid to let it show. Oh, and super hot, did I mention he is hot?
The illusion that there are either hot bad boys or sappy nice guys has to stop. We really limit ourselves when we think this way. What is sexy to me, is a man who KNOWS he does not need to hold power nor control over his partner in order to feel like a man. A man who is good to his family, his parents, his children and especially his exes! (Whether deemed deserving or not in other people’s opinions.)
Respect of women applies to ALL women, and we have no right to judge another woman, based solely upon the man’s version of their story. We have no way of knowing of situations, events or traumas that they are coping with - and we all cope in our own ways. As we know from our own lives, we don’t tell everyone what happened to us, we don’t share our stories, which is to our detriment, the veil of secrecy keeps others from loving us, and us from loving ourselves. A woman who knows who she is has no time to play these games, don't engage in them, it only brings pain.
So, again I say, hot, good guys, with all the trimmings of the bad boy are far more in number than you may think, so don’t try to avoid a ‘type’ of person for fear they may not treat you well, because good men are in all cultures, socio-economic classes, all communities and they look like everyone! There is not a defined line of who is a certain way, only defined mindsets and usually inaccurately depicted images perpetuated by a twisted media. One that tries to define and force feed what is morally, socially or culturally deemed acceptable and perpetuates a notion that we cannot judge for ourselves. This is untrue, anyone can see it if they look with an open mind, people show who they are if we pay attention.
I’ll let you in on a secret: The eyes, the hands and the posture give it away. Soft eyes, secure and at ease looking into yours, verses shifting, scanning the room, avoiding eye contact or hiding behind shades. Are their hands open, relaxed, in pockets or doing something productive - are they clenched in fists, thumbs tucked in, chests puffed out, standing rigidly, poised to fight, arms across their chest or open and free? [What their eyes, hands and posture are doing, their hearts are doing... open, relaxed, productive or clenched, puffed up and rigid.]
We see this, yet we allow ourselves to fall into the illusion of ‘he just has never felt real love’ or ‘he will be different with me’ or the dreaded ‘I can change him’ we have these subconscious thoughts, however, it is a thought – not a reality, it is an illusion – not a truth.
Now, I see people for who they are, and like my teachers before me, I patiently wait for others to also see themselves in their true light, beyond the illusions. Offering the truth and allowing them to take it in or reject it, and they may be pissed off at me, but I don’t care, I won’t feed illusions and if they are pissed off they are thinking about it. This is what I agreed to do when I came here, and many of you have been really, really pissed at me at times, and that is ok. I just refer to it as stage 5 so I can deal with the emotional side of it, and know it is not personal to me; the anger is from someone shedding light upon our illusions, it is with ourselves, just as I did to Nancy when I was in stage 5.
(Stage 5, I get this from the movie ‘Short Circuit’ in which a robot who is programmed for destruction, gets struck by lightening and comes to life, becomes sentient, and escapes wanting to just enjoy his new life –“Johnny Five, alive”)
You are not deserving of this treatment. You did not create their patterns, only your own, which attracted theirs. So, you have both just provided each other a powerful mirror, how you use it -will now be in your own hands. Believe me; it does get better over time. It is still a process for me, the triggers still come, the stress still brings seizures (shorter and less frequent), the anger erupts and the cycles of emotion constantly shift. The pendulum swings until I find my center again, and each situation brings me closer to maintaining that center.
Each time I loose patience, lash out, retreat, or find myself overcome wit irrational fear, I must go inside and pull up the strength to declare, this is not who I am, preferably out loud. Then I own and apologize for my behavior that was not ‘who I am’ and I let it go. I have learned to talk about it instead of holding it in until I snap. This is where my husband shines, he is very patient with me and does not take it personally as he knows it is not who I am, only remaining patterning I am working through. I see it faster each time and now can shift it easier. Part of this process is owning our side of it, but not lowering our values, or taking blame for things we did not create. It is about balance, both inner and outer balance.
Each time we do this, it slows the momentum of the pendulum. It takes time and patience with ourselves and others. Now comes the work, the pattern has been shifted, movement has begun, energetically, this is expansion. Keep reaching there are many hands to help pull you up and keep you from falling, and just as many to pull you back down. The same is true for your partners and ex partners. Stage 5 is a powerful lesson, for many people and I honor you all for providing the opportunity of growth to so many.
Life made us who we WERE, but WE choose who we ARE. I wish you all strength, understanding and compassion through this phase. I also wish it for others, who may offer cruel reactions, adding more pain through judgment or guilt only injures all of those we think we are protecting, and adds unnecessary fuel their whole family dynamic. We would do well to honor everyone's place in growth, with compassion. Sometimes, loving someone is saying, this is not who I am, and walking away.
I shut everyone out while going through the process, and a part of me damaged the relationship with others, this was necessary for me at the time. Now, I know it was because I was too afraid to say goodbye. I felt I would not be able to, and so I pulled away into myself, my safety place which I had created as that small child in pain with no escape. I still withdraw, and I still need people to pull me out here and there and sometimes I can do it myself but it is no longer in fear, but so as to regain my footing and remember who I am. No one who has been through physical, emotional, mental or spiritual damage can expect to just be better over night, or do it all on their own; it is a long process, but every day we get stronger, I promise.
So please allow yourselves to grieve this persona or person you once were; they have died. We can never go back, ever – it is too restrictive, too ‘small’ for our new expanded awareness. This physically hurts, and so many of us are going through similar experiences of letting this all go. But it is better than allowing ourselves to be in constant drama - like so many out there who have not yet figured out the old personas don't work and keep banging their heads against the wall trying to be someone they are not.
Honor everyone’s place in growth, including your own. Have patience with yourself and allow the process, while knowing, you have come so far, and a new life awaits, one that you always knew existed... and it is much closer than you know.
In Love ~ M